Disillusionment
by andalitebandit-6
Summary: Dib decides mankind is no longer worth his protection. He wants to leave the planet, but wants to make sure humanity remembers him before he leaves. Planned future ZADR in later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

Dear journal,

It's finally finished. All the preparations are in order. The only thing that's left for me to do is figure out what to have for lunch. Can't go carrying out the doom of humanity on an empty stomach now, can I? That and what I should say to Zim when I present my business proposal to him...

I've always had a grudging amount of respect for the object my extraterrestrial obssesion. And it'll be through his eyes that I'll finally find my greatest satisfaction. He'll recognize me for what I've become and know that together, we can take over this planet without help from his race or anyone else! He'll know that I'm more than the insane fanatic those fools at the Swollen Eyeball think I am, that I'm more than the failure son of my father, that I'm more than the 'weird kid' the malingering, mattress-soiling, sub-literate morons at skool always made me out to be. We can join forces and then together we can rule the entire world!

Or maybe not... It's not his nature to be trusting of anyone, much less me. Or if he does believe, his pride might see me as competition and not as an ally.

Either way, I don't care.

Nothing in all the world matters more to me right now than my victory over the rest of humanity. I'll hear them surrender. I'll hear them beg forgiveness and say that they were wrong. I'll hear them proclaim me as the greatest human to have ever lived among them, including my legendary father!

Then I'll stomp them all flat.

It wasn't until recently that I came to understand how deep my hatred for humanity ran. I knew I hated a lot of them, but I also knew that somewhere out there were good people. I knew there were people who didn't torment and shun the black sheep that didn't follow their flock; people who didn't laugh as they watched you get the crap beat out of you by a bunch of testosterone-high sadists; people who didn't call you crazy for calling the Earth round or saying that aliens exist.

However, the closest I've ever come to meeting such people are the disgruntled sister and workaholic father that I called family.  
Still, for years my feelings toward humanity were more along the lines of wanting to prove them wrong, of wanting to hear them admit they should have acknowledged me. But now I'm done making excuses for their selfishness. I'm done dwelling on their unconcern for me. The irony of it all is that it was during an eavesdropped conversation of those "good" people that I came to understand myself and my potential.

It was then that I came to know their ultimate arrogance, their continual lies. There was a darkness in each of their hearts, a cruelty in their generosity. They did nothing good for the sake of humanity. They just used that guise to gain control, to impose their own twisted version of Utopia upon the world. They're not much different from the alien invaders after all.

I wonder if Zim's seen the same truth about his own race? I've eavesdropped on a couple of conversations between him and his leaders and it amazes me how much obvious contempt they have for him, yet he talks and acts as if they he thought they think he's the greatest invader they'd ever known. I wonder if he'll ever be able to see beyond his personal goals and realize exactly where he stands in their eyes. Sometimes I envy that unshakable belief he has in himself, that ability to reject reality and impose his own. Hostile as our relationship to date has been, at least I can say with absolute certainty that I was important to him. He relied on me and my attempts to stop his evil to motivate him in his own work, just as I'd been unable to dedicate my life to 'real science' after realizing that chasing and capturing him had become my own _raison d'etre_.

I've noticed that lately he's been looking a little deflated. He hasn't ranted or plotted anything for a while now. Maybe he's finally figured it out.

I hope he has, because I really would like to work with him on this little venture. Despite his embarrasingly low success rate in his attempts to take over Earth, I know he's not stupid. Egotistical, yes; impatient, impulsive, loud, zealous, dramatic and he's got some problems getting priorities straight. He's an alien from an advanced race, with access to a universe of power. And yet he stays in school all day, enduring it, hating it, fearing it and freaking out about it. The thought of sneaking out or setting a robot in his place never crosses his mind. He gets so caught up with the most unimportant details, he ends up getting nothing done; He gets a giant robot, and his plan is to go beat me up with it. He's in control of some impressive stuff, but his sense of control is so horrible that it doesn't matter if his plans are foolproof. This would be where I come in... Together, we could become an unstoppable team!

But if not, then so be it. I know what's to be expected of me if I continue down this path, with my back to all that I'd believed in and stood up for, but it's one I'm prepared to walk, if for no other reason than to enjoy the sweetness of the looks on my fellow human's faces when I deliver to them the end of their world as they've known it!

Hmm... I think I'll have a light salad.

-End Dib's Log

**AUTHOR'S NOTE **

This story was started almost 4 years ago. A _massive _case of writer's block prevents it from being finished. Figured I'd post what I had before I forgot about it and it became lost forever. I have the first few chapters on file, every other chapter written by Penname wa Silver B. But even her awesomeness has limits! So yeah, enjoy and if you have any suggestions... I'm not promising I'll use them, but I'm open to them. Most of the last paragraph is based on what Jhonen said about Zim in an interview with IGN. Anywho, Thank you for reading my story!


	2. Chapter 2

**Zim's Pak Memory Drive, 745:5439:234:443XST (Xooshlep Standard Time)**

(I was thinking we could have a routine; Dib's point-of-view always comes from his journal, Zim's always comes from his Pak. How does that sound?)

HEY! WHO PUT THIS PIG HERE? I'll have to remind myself to tell GIR to stop leaving his unsanitary toys clogging up the main data stream... well, at least that explains why the computer kept yelling about "BACON" and "PAIN". Fortunately, my ingenious genius... ness... has fixed the problem.

"Bzzt... master, there's someone at the BACON SUCH HORRIBLE BACON door," the computer reports. Eh, so there are a few minor glitches left. I obviously have my work cut out for me, so I wave dismissively.

"Let the robo-parents get it. I'm busy right now."

"To clarify, PLEASE DEMON PIGGIES DON'T the _Dib _is at the door." My antennae instantly perk up despite myself.

"The _Dib, _eh? Hehe... well, I guess I've been cooped up too long anyways." Making my way to the elevator and doing my best to ignore the computer's pig-related screams, I wonder what the Dib is here for. The large-headed human pig-smelly has been suspiciously quiet lately...

Simultaneously putting on my disguise and hopping out of the trash bin entrance with AWE-INSPIRING Irken grace **(Nanite alert: minor sprain in left ankle)**, I head for the door and jerk it open. Sure enough, there before me stands Dib, in all his big-headed, pointy-haired, trenchcoated, humany glor - stinkiness.

"What do you want, Dib?" I smirk. He returns with a confident smile, his glasses gleaming in the HORRIBLE Earth sun.

"I have a proposition to make, Zim," he starts. "I thought you might be interested."

"ZIM? Interested in some smelly human proposition? HAH! Your stupid human - "

"Hear me out," he insists, smile slipping. His somber tone catches my attention.

"...fine. Go on, but make it quick. ZIM has things to do... and don't try to sneak into my base, either!" To avoid this possible problem, I slam the door shut behind me and cross my arms, prompting him to go on with an attentive stare. He sighs lightly in relief, which only peaks my interest; this isn't a ruse, he really DOES have something to say.

"Look, I've been giving it some thought, and when you think it about, this whole feud between us is just stupid," Dib decides. "We're so alike, you and I, really... what are we even fighting about?"

"I'm going to take over your pitiful planet and you want to cut my GUTS open," I remind him.

"Not anymore. Not long ago, I had a... revelation, per se." His eyes carry a coldness I've rarely known Dib to display. "I _hate_ them. Humans, that is. You were right all along... they're _worthless_, _**pathetic **_wastes of life. You can do whatever you want with them, Zim..." He looks me dead in the eye. "But you have to let me help."

I stare at him in dead silence for a few seconds. Then, I break into raucous laughter; Dib's pride looks effectively wounded.

"Ohh, you STUPID, **STUPID** HUMAN!" I hiss with a grim smile. "You really thought I'd fall for that! HAH! Foolish stink-beast! You can't fool Zim with your inferior mindgames!"

"I'm serious, Zim." The look he gives me strikes me silent for an even longer period this time.

"You... you ARE serious," I say at last, the smile gone as I study him carefully. "Did you hit your oversized head on something, Dib-stink?"

"The head joke is really old," he states irritably. "And NO, my head is fine. I really want to help you take over Earth and do horrible things to humanity. So what will it be, Zim? Do you want my help? Yes or no?"

I ponder. On the one hand, he IS a human and my worst enemy... but on the other hand, he's definitely superior to the rest of his species, and he's ruined nearly all my plans for world domination since I landed on this disgusting planet. He's done me a lot of harm as an enemy... so perhaps he would do a lot to benefit me as a minion... _yesssss..._

"Alright, Zim has pondered!" I announce, sticking out a hand cordially. "I think you'll make a wonderful monkey minion, Dib-beast!"

Dib eyes me flatly. "No, Zim. Not minion. ALLY. Equal partner. I'm not going to be your slave."

"Ally? You think yourself an _equal_ to the unfathomably superior ZIM? You'll make a good minion, and that's all! Take it or leave it, stink-monkey!"

The Dib gives me a look that stops me dead in my tracks... even though I'm not moving. Then, without warning, he pulls the wig off my head. I shriek and make to grab it back from him, but he flings it away before I can.

"WHY DID YOU - " I'm cut off as Dib strokes my antennae curiously.

"I've always wondered how these work," he notes thoughtfully. "They aren't segmented like insect antennae... just completely smooth..." Stroke, stroke, stroke... I began to forget why I was angry... a warm calm spreading down from my head and making me feel... sleepy.

"So. Allies, Zim?" he asks finally. Blinking, I realize he's stopped stroking my antennae.

"Eh? Oh... sure."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Dib's Journal (1 day ago)

I'd just come back from my investigative encounter with the city's local werewolf, and was pretty scratched up as a result of it. There'd been a special done on Mysterious Mysteries about it the day before: A woman woke up one night to find a big wolflike creature outside her window. It was growling and scratching at the sheet glass. Taste for human? Maybe. Or it could've been a male werewolf that wanted to tell the woman he loved her. Or maybe he just wanted the bologna sandwich under her pillow, as the woman herself had suggested. "HE'LL NEVER GET MAH SANDWICH!" she'd screamed, chomping down on it pointedly.

Anyway, since I had nothing better to do I went to see for myself. After much snapping of pictures in the direction of every rustling noise in the city park where it'd last been sighted and following its tracks with my custom DNA tracking device halfway across the metropolitan area, I discovered its lair: a sewer behind a McMeaties restaurant...

Long story short, I lost yet another camera, tore up my trench-coat and barely escaped with my life - in fact, if I hadn't thrown it that taco... I don't want to know what would have happened to me. My adrenaline rush ran out on me about a block from my house, and I then had to drag myself the rest of the way inside and to my room. I hadn't been bitten, but werewolf nails aren't exactly the most hygienic thing to get slashed by. I should've tended to my wounds first, but the excitement about my discovery was overwhelming. Tired as I was, I pulled out my laptop from under my bed, plugged it in, and sent a transmission signal to the Swollen Eyeballs Network.

I knew I shouldn't have bothered. I knew my credibility had hit rock bottom and been thrown a shovel after the last time I called them up to witness Zim's evil only to have a perfectly normal scene on the screen by the time they looked... But if I could just get them to go down there so they could see for themselves! The wolfman's lair had to be proof enough! Then they'd see! They'd see and _know _I'm not crazy... WHY WON'T THEY SEE?!

I slammed my fists down on the keyboard. Busy signal. There are only a handful of members in the Swollen Eyeball Network. Even if we were all online at once it'd be nowhere near enough to cause the server to overload. I was being blocked and I knew it.

I shut down the laptop and walked past the bathroom, downstairs and across the living room. We didn't have any more iodine in the bathroom, but I knew Dad kept plenty handy in his lab. Sometimes I can't believe some of the bizarre things he likes to experiment with - of course, nothing could be stranger than Zim's laser weasels. I hate those weasels.

Anyway, I knew my father didn't like to be distracted from his work. Last time I burst in unannounced to ask him if I could borrow one of his inventions to stop Zim, it had taken a whole week and most of the next to remove all the blasted radiation from the lab... and ourselves. So I came in quietly, tip-toeing down the stairs and headed for the cabinet that held the medical supplies. What I was looking for was easily found. Iodine in hand, I'd started to leave when I heard my father's voice.

"I just don't know what else to do with that boy," Dad grumbled. "I've tried being patient with him! Real Science knows I've tried, but he just won't listen to reason! At first I hoped it might just be some silly phase he was going through, yet he still insists that a yeti was responsible for the incident with the belt sander... my poor insane son!"

I've heard my father talking to himself about me like this before. I pretend I hadn't heard anything. He'd get over himself once he had another new project to immerse himself in and forget that me and Gaz and the world outside his lab existed. I know I've disappointed him by not living up to his expectations, but I decided long ago that forcing myself to change for him just wasn't worth it. I tried it once, but... I can't see myself doing what he does for the rest of my life. This is the life I chose to lead and I'm the one who has to live with it.

I was just about to leave so I could start forgetting already, when another voice responded. "Uh-huh. He's hopeless, Dad. Can't we just trade him in for a hamster or something?"

It was Gaz's voice! Now that I was listening for it, I could make out the faint beeping and clicking of her GameSlave console buttons. I made my way closer and hid behind a large rack of beakers filled with multi-colored, foul-smelling liquids and continued to listen.

"OH-HOH-HOH, of course not, daughter!" Dad said. "You forget, your brother is the future of the Membrane Empire!"

"I still say a hamster would be better," Gaz muttered. "Besides, I doubt he'd actually want to take over your work, Dad. He wants to be a paranormal investigator, remember?"

I could feel Dad's disapproval like a physical weight on my shoulders then. I always expect it, but haven't gotten used to it yet...

"Yes, yes, he's a bit insane at the moment," Dad replied, "But don't worry! When the time comes I have no doubt that Dib will become a _great _scientist!"

I ventured to peek around from behind my hiding place. There was Dad, towering over Gaz. They weren't even looking at each other. Gaz's face was down and lit blue by the glare of her game screen, while Dad was looking wistfully over her head.

"Seriously, Dad," Gaz's words were laced with blips and boops, "A hamster has a better chance of becoming a scientist than my stupid brother. I don't see why you have so much faith in him."

"Faith in your brother?" Dad chuckled. "Oh-ho, no, no, no! He'd probably try to use my position to influence the public with all his nonsense about water spouts, crop circles, cattle mutilations, sea serpents, and general flying crockery of mass hallucination and hysteria! That simply _won't _do!"

Gaz paused her game and actually looked up at Dad at this point. "Sooo... if you know he's going to mess up, why did you say he's the future of the empire?"

I could almost see Dad's conspiratory smile under his coat collar. "Because, daughter, it won't actually be _him_ who's in charge!"

"...Huh?"

"I will now tell you the reason I brought you down here to speak with you. I know you like to play rough with your brother sometimes but I need you to be a little more careful from now on. You see, daughter..."

He picked her up and brought her to eye-level with him. "Dib is actually a clone of mine. I created him using my DNA in a very TOP SECRET experiment. I meant for him to be a miniature version of myself, but as you can see he's not quite there yet... No matter! I will perfect him in future versions!"

My jaw dropped. I was a _what_?

"I have implanted a special chip in his brain that is continuously being updated with MY data." Dad continued. "When the time comes that I am rendered mentally incapacitated by old age, disease or some _horrible_ accident, the chip will activate and all my genius will download into his brain! That is why it is so large, you understand. It houses TWO minds in place of one!"

He brought Gaz's face forward until their noses were almost touching (if you could have seen Dad's nose). "The world NEEDS me, Gaz. And though I am a genius, I haven't yet figured out a way to make my body last forever... But through your brother I can continue in my research long after my old body and mind have become useless!"

"Tch," sneered Gaz. "I still don't see why it has to be _him_. His stupid voice fills me with _rage! _Can't you take the chip out and put it into something less annoying?"

"I'm afraid not, daughter," Dad said looking grave. "The chip is very much an integral part of your brother now. Were the chip to be removed, not only would it wipe all my data, it would cause him to lose his own memories as well. He might even _die!_"

Belatedly, I put my hand over my mouth to cover the gasp of horror. But I shouldn't have worried. As usual, nobody was paying any attention to me or was even aware of my existence.

Gaz was silent for a moment "...Okay. So when your mind gets activiated inside Dib, what happens to him?"

"Oh, it'll be wiped out," Dad said nonchalant. "A normally functioning brain cannot be expected to house two active minds at once without burning itself out from all the hyper electrical firings that make up the thought processes. That would defeat the purpose. The brother you know would be gone forever, replaced by ME. He will become ME, in that respect."

"What's the difference then? If he dies or if he turns into you? He'd still be gone."

"The difference is that once disconnected, all the data on the chip would be corrupted and I'd have to create a new chip that would take _years_ to replicate and input the same amount of memories and data as the old chip housed. I planted that chip into Dib right after he was born, and a similar one inside of my brain as well, one that sends over a constant stream of data so that _my _thoughts are stored in _his _chip at the same time they're being processed in my own. I'm too busy to do a thing over that I've done right the first time. It's impractical and I have no time for impracticalities!"

Gaz nodded slowly. "Does Dib know?"

"I haven't gotten around to telling him yet." Dad finally put her down and ran a hand through his jagged column of hair. "There's no reason to upset the boy with the news just now. We'll wait until he's a little more mature to understand the situation. His sacrifice will be for the advancement of science and the future of man-kind! I'm sure he'll understand."

"Riiight." Gaz replied, reaching out and bringing her game back into play, now that the conversation had lost her interest. "So as long as I don't kill him or cause any permanent damage I can still doom him whenever he bugs me?"

"HaHa, such amusing children I have! So glad you understand, daughter. Run along now! I might or might not be on time for supper today. Big meeting with the president of Zimbabwe, then off to Hong-Kong to demonstrate my new brand of SuperToast(c) as a breeding ground for bacteria that produce penicillin! Haha, sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't activate him early. It would certainly make it easier to be in two places at once to solve the world's problems. IT'S A GOOD THING I EXIST!"

By then, Gaz was already gone and Dad had been talking to himself for a full minute. Dad then turned and started towards the transport tubes that went straight to his jet lab. I squelched the burning desire to jump out and confront my father and tell him... to _scream _at him that... _beg _him not to...

I heard the suction noise of the tube taking in its passenger. Dad was gone.

I mechanically moved my body back up the stairs and out the door, my thoughts spinning as I heading straight to my room. I could hear the continued blipping and beeping of Gaz's GameSlave as I passed by her door. I knew we never really got along that well, but did she really hate me so much that she wouldn't mind losing me forever? I dwelled on the question and almost laughed at myself after closing my door. Of course she wouldn't care. I was just an errand boy to her, going out and buying food when there's nothing in the fridge because she's too immersed in her sad little virtual reality to do it herself.

I was suddenly very angry. Who was my father to decide that his existence was more important than mine? What gave him the right to deny me a normal, or even a paranormal life, if I so chose? How could he set up his own son to be a sacrificial avatar? Isn't he supposed to be the person I'm supposed to look to for nurture, support and guidance?

Well, okay, so not really. I've had to learn to take care of myself for the most part growing up, what with him being too busy doing great things for mankind to spend time with his own family. So what now? What was I supposed to do? I couldn't just stand by and let all this happen... let my memories get erased and let my body become someone else's vessel. But where could I go to ask for help? I wasn't wanted in the paranormal society, society in general, and now my own home felt hostile to me.

Should I just ... run away somewhere? But where on Earth would I be safe? If what Dad said is true, he could probably locate me easily using the chip in my brain, no matter where I went. I'd be this huge blinking dot on a radar map... But what if I left Earth entirely? Would the chip still be effective over a cosmic distance? But where would I go? What would I do when I got there? And... was there really noone on Earth that would miss me?

I ran through a mental list. Dad obviously saw me as a temporary thing. Gaz classified me as lower than a hamster. My teachers think I have no future. My classmates all think I'm crazy. My counselor who I _thought_ believed me was only humoring me until he could ditch me to go into space with another group of aliens. My mother...

I stopped right there. I never really knew my mother. Every time I brought it up Dad would change the subject or suddenly have something of grave importance that demanded his attention right that second. I didn't even know if she was alive or not. Whether she'd left us because she couldn't handle the loneliness of living with Dad or if she'd gotten amnesia and had gotten lost somewhere. Did I even have a mother? Dad said I was a clone... did you need a female to produce a clone? The whole thing was depressing. I could feel myself starting to fall into despair. I clutched my head and felt like crying. Or maybe tearing my head open to smash the chip and ruin Dad's life work. Sure, I'd die, but who would get the last laugh, eh? Hehe...

I was brought out of my morbid thoughts when I felt something wet run down my cheek. I brought my hand to my face and wiped it off, staring at it for a while. I suddenly became angry. Why should I be the one on the defensive? Why should I be on the run like a fugitive when I haven't done anything wrong? I'm smart. I'll survive somehow, even if I'm all on my own. Who needs this dump anyway? And what has humanity ever done done for me? I'M the one that's been trying to do THEM a favor all this time. And not _once _has anyone ever shown any gratitude for it. They have no idea how close they've come to being enslaved almost every _week!_ I'm the only one who even knows they're in danger from other worldly forces at all!

Maybe... maybe it's not just me. Maybe a planet that has only one person who can save it, isn't really worth saving. A planet full of high and mighty humans that so little value the lives of their fellows, find them so expendable... all life save their own.

Hmm... I might still leave Earth. I've always wanted to explore the stars someday. Oh, but I'll make sure the people remember me after I'm gone... I'll leave with a BANG! Hehe... Now I just need an escape vessel before I set my Doomsday plans into motion.

Hmm... what IS my Doomsday plan? Meh, I'll figure something out. I still have Tak's ship, but last time I tried to take control of it... things didn't turn out so well. Who else do I know that has access to outerspace technology?

One face instantly came to mind. One green, smiling, egomanical face. I knew someone, but would he help? Or would I have to help myself, as is becoming the case? It would be to his benefit. He could have what was left of Earth when I was done with it.

We'll see.

-End of Monday's Journal.


	4. Chapter 4

Zim's Pak Memory Drive, 745:5439:236:831XST (Xooshlep Standard Time)

"Alright, Dib-stink," I say, reluctantly letting the Dib step inside MY base and removing my contacts as I close the door. "I'll let you inside my base and test how WORTHY you are of my trust. But don't try anything, or my computer will zap you into DIRT!"

"Zzzzzzt... PORK-FLAVORED... AARRRRRGGH," the base computer cuts in at precisely the wrong moment.

"Pork-flavored dirt?" Dib says blankly. "I wish I could say I've never heard that threat before... but I have. Darn you, Gaz!" He shudders and changes the topic. "So, down to the lower levels now, right?"

"WHAT? I NEVER SAID THAT!" I snarl, leaping in front of the toilet entrance defensively.

"Okay, so we're supposed to build humanity's doom with what... sofa pillows?" Dib grabs one off the couch to prove his point, BUT IT IS UNPROVEN IN THE EYES OF ZIM!

"YES!" I cry, snatching the pillow and holding it high. "Pillowy, oh such pillowy doom the humans shall face!" I cackle to illustrate.

"Oh come on, even you have to admit that's lame," Dib groans, rolling his eyes and retaking the pillow, THE FIEND!

"NO!" I snap, stealing the pillow back. "I REFUSE to let you into my precious labs! Your clumsy human fingers might break something!" I'm not sure what the pillow has to do with anything at this point, but Dib tries to take it from me anyway. I refuse to comply, and a tug-o'-war ensues.

"We're not going to get anything done unless you trust me!" Dib insists through gritted teeth.

"I said NO, FILTHY DIRT-CHILD!" Gritting my teeth in turn, I dig my heels into the floor and give a MIGHTY PULL, which nearly imbalances the Dib, but he glowers and pulls back with equal force.

"STOP BEING SO STUPID!"

"NEVERRRRRR!" I scream.

"YEAH WELL - " Dib pauses and looks at me. "Wait... you admit you're stupid?" I take advantage of this state of confusion to jerk the pillow free of the enemy's hands. A bout of maniacal laughter is in order; however, when said laughter has ended a half-minute later, the Dib is nowhere to be seen.

"Eh? Where'd he go?" I query, dropping the pillow and searching around.

"He went down the PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG!, idiot," the computer mutters.

"DOWN THE PIG? That horrible pig-downer!" I hiss, trying to figure out how the Dib might have done such a thing. Oohhh, he is clever indeed, in a very STUPID way.


	5. Chapter 5

Dib's Journal (Day 3)

Obviously reasoning with Zim was out of the question (like I ever really expected it to be an option, but still...) Leaving Zim to indulge himself in his cackling, I flushed myself down to his lab. I knew my way around, considering I'd broken into his house enough times to have explored it thoroughly. I expertly made my way to the main computer console.

_Gotta watch out for the lasers - _OW!_ - jump over the angry monk- _ACK! - _limp over to the - _UGH! _My spleen_...

"Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow..." I lay on my stomach about a foot away from the control panel. Using sheer will-power I dragged myself forward those long 12 inches and was able to reach it and pull myself up. Pushing a large red button marked "On" I was able to activate the system. What came out was a whole bunch of irken letterings. Now, I've spied on Zim while he was using his systems many times and I've been able to decipher bits and pieces of the language, but I'm nowhere near literate.

"Good thing I brought along my irken translation chip!" I said proudly as I pulled it out of my trench-coat pocket. "Not only does it translate irken into English, it also arranges it in English format with adjectives preceding nouns and such. Pretty swell if I do say so myself."

I pried open a loose section of the control panel that Zim either doesn't know about or never bothers to fix and plugged it in. It sparked a bit but didn't blow up in my face, so I assumed it was working. Lo and behold the screen began warping and pixelating like a bad TV reception then suddenly got bright and clear.

(μ®®3\7 34®7- 743-0\/3® $747μ$

\μ\/ß3® 0ƒ 71\/3$ 7-3 34®7- -4$ ß33\ (0\¶μ3®3Ð: 0

\μ\/ß3® 0ƒ £4\$ (μ®®3\7£¥ 1\ ®09®3$$ \/\/17- 7-3 ƒ1\4£ 41\/ 0ƒ ß®1\91\9 4ß0μ7 7-3 34®7-'$ 3\$£4\/3\/3\7: 254,687

\μ\/ß3® 0ƒ $(13\71ƒ1( 3)(3®1\/3\7$ (μ®®3\7£¥ μ\Ð3®\/\/4¥ \/\/17- 7-3 073\714£ 70 ß®1\9 4ß0μ7 7-3 34®7-'$ Ð3$7®μ(710\: 3,928

And in leet apparently. Either that or the system crashed.

I'll admit I played around with the pseudo language a bit before, mainly using '3's as 'e's and such, so maybe if I stared at this long enough...

Five minutes later of staring all I was able to get was a headache.

"Whoever created such a sadistic language needs to get dragged into the street and shot." With my eyes dilated and drool dripping freely onto my lap, I was almost ready to give up.

"Humans created the language, thus you would need to - PIG BACON PORK POOOOOORRKKKK!!! - shoot yourself," said a familiar, albeit pork-inflected, voice.

"Computer?" I asked, wiping some excess saliva with my sleeve. "Can you read it?"

"MAKE THE PIGGY STOP! Duh."

"Okay then," I tried being polite while keeping my voice from hysteria. "Will you tell me what it says?"

"I don't feel like - pork contaminating central circuits AND THEN THE PORCINE LORD SAID UNTO HIS FOLLOWERS - I'm not up to it."

I could almost feel the vein popping out of my forehead as I grit my teeth. "Please?"

"I'm sick and very much in - PIG - pain right now. I might only be able to translate it into only the most rudimentary of human languages in this - PORK CLOG ALERT ALERT OOOOIIIIIINK - state."

I started to smile a bit. "You mean like Latin?" Most English words have Latin roots. It would certainly be easier to figure out!

The computer then let out what sounded like the sharp scream of a boar in heat. I took it as a 'yes'.

"That's good enough!"

So then after a bit of grunting, the screen once again warped and went static-y, but rapidly came back into focus.

Urrentcay Earthway Aketay-Overway Atusstay

Umbernay ofway imestay ethay Earthway ashay eenbay onqueredcay: 0

Umbernay ofway ansplay urrentlycay inway ogresspray ithway ethay inalfay aimway ofway ingingbray aboutway ethay Earth'sway

enslavementway: 254,687

Umbernay ofway ientificscay experimentsway urrentlycay underwayway ithway ethay otentialpay otay ingbray aboutway ethay

Earth'sway estructionday: 3,928

I narrowed an eye. "This isn't Latin."

"It's PIG-Latin," The computer said, like I was stupid for not knowing.

"Ah."

This was most likely as good as it was going to get, so I ignored the subsequent cries about bacon grease burns and started deciphering:

Current Earth Take-Over Status

Number of times the Earth has been conquered: 0

Number of plans currently in progress with the final aim of bringing about the Earth's enslavement: 254,687

Number of scientific experiments currently underway with the potential to bring about the Earth's destruction: 3,928

"Well, it's at least good to see Zim's been keeping busy. Now, let's see his latest plan..."

"AHA!" exclaimed another voice. "I've finally found you, you back-stabbing, stinky, large-headed... AAAAAH!"

I felt the back of my trench being yanked away from the computer console as Zim flung me aside and stood protectively in front of the keyboard.

"I TOLD YOU TO STAY OUT OF MY LAB! Now look what you've done!" Zim turned and looked at the screen. "AAAAH, what have you done?!"

"I was _trying_ to find out what you were doing so I could _help _you." I stood and brushed myself off as Zim frantically pushed buttons and pulled levers on the console. "Stupid alien..."

"LIES!" Zim turned and pointed accusingly. "You were trying to discover my _ingenious_ plans so you could _sabotage_ them!"

"HELLO!" I screamed at him. "I'm on YOUR side now, Zim!"

"Is that SO?" Zim screamed back, "Then how do you explain THIS?!"

He yanked out my chip and held it up like he was going to chuck it at me. "Admit it! You've fed some horrible human virus into my computer! Filthy stink thing!"

"I did not!"

"STRINGY, RUBBERY OUT OF BACON!" The computer interjected.

Zim motioned angrily towards the direction of the voice. "See?!"

"It was like that when I got here!"

"You LIE!"

"ARGH!" I clutched at my head. "You know what? BE that way! I'm leaving! I don't need you! It's not like any of your plans ever work anyway..."

"WHAT!?" Zim said as I turned my back to go. "Zim's plans are ALWAYS ingenious! Hey! HEY! Come back here!"

Using his spider-legs Zim sprang out in front of me, blocking my exit. He glared and stabbed a claw into my chest. "How DARE you accuse Zim's plans of being _faulty_?"

"Oh yeah?" I pushed his hand aside. "Then why haven't you taken over Earth yet?"

"Because!" He waved his hands around in a broad gesture. "STUFF happens! Gir and death bees and _madness _and YOU!" He emphasized by pointing again. "It's never Zim's fault! Zim is amazing! It's everything else that makes the plans... not... go according to plan."

"Whatever," I said, pushing my way past him.

"HEY!" Zim grabbed my arm and spun me around. "Zim did not give you permission to _leave_! I'll show you! I'll show you just how utterly amazing and fool-proof my newest plan is!"

He jerked me towards the main computer, "Then I'll destroy you, so you can't foil it!"

I took my arm back from him, trying not to smile at the fact that I was getting him to do exactly what I wanted in the first place. "I can see myself over there just fine, thanks."

"Hmph!" Zim jumped up and started typing away furiously, a blur of commands executing themselves on the screen.

"THERE!" Zim turned proudly and gestured. "Behold Zim's greatness!"

I pushed my glasses up a little. "It's in irken. You took out my translator chip. I can't read it."

"Eh? What translator chip?"

"The one you're still holding in your hand." I pointed.

Zim looked down and opened his hand. "Translator chip?"

"I believe I just said that, yes"

"For translating superior irken letterings into pathetic human ones?"

"Basically."

'"Not a virus?"

"No."

"Oh... well... hehehe... good thing we're _friends_ now, right?" He tossed the chip over his shoulder. "So no need for such things! _Zim _will translate for you what it is and THEN you can be amazed!"

I watched Zim turn and type some more, wondering just how 'friendly' our partnership would turn out, considering his state of mind could turn any future little misunderstandings into plots against him and try to destroy me again... but isn't that how things have always been between us? He takes all human figures of speech so literally. He's been here this long and is still so naive about our customs that I can make him believe almost anything. It's fun to tease him... The way he gets himself all riled up is just so... cute.

"Wait... 'cute'?"

"DONE!"

Zim finally brought up a picture on-screen of a burning wreckage: a panicked woman with a few rats clinging to her hair and dress as she ran screaming into the streets, while another man in a business suit tried futilely to bat away a swarm of wasps with his brief-case. Similar occurrences were happening nearby with seemingly no end to the madness.

Zim grinned at me. "My latest plan is to use chemical weapons that attract swarms of enraged wasps and angry rats to human dwellings, making them uninhabitable! You will all be unable to live your daily lives, be thrown off your routine, and only ZIM will be able to restore order!!! On the condition that you all submit to irken rule and make me your unquestioned leader! Then I can wear my RULING HAT!"

He brought out a hideous metal bucket adorned with spikes and a pair of robotic hands, one of which held a sign shaped like an arrow with the word 'Ruler' on it, which pointed to himself. "Isn't it neato?"

"Your plan or the hat?"

"BOTH are amazing!"

"We have pest control agencies that can easily handle the crisis." I crossed my arms and watched Zim's eyes narrow in a confused manner. "After the human dwellings are evacuated they'd just have to send in the experts to cleanse the area. Daily life would resume after the poisons and whatnot dissipate. Then what will you do?"

Zim's antennae dropped a little as he started fiddling with the spikes on his hat. "Ummm... pillowy doom?"

I shook my head. "I see we've got a looot of work to do."

-------------------------

Thank you everyone who left lovely reviews! I know you've all been waiting long, but you'll have to wait even longer now... my beta is has lost her passion for fanfiction and I'm petrified to post anything that hasn't been run through the mill by her first. Until I find another beta as amazing as she was, this fic will be put on hold. So sorry!


	6. Chapter 6

Zim's Pak Memory Drive, 745:5439:248:831XST (Xooshlep Standard Time)

The Dib had gone back home. To go _get _something. Spy camera maybe, or some worthless, sentimental Earth trinket before his planet goes **CABLOOEY**!!! Meh... Miserable sap.

I was sitting behind my couch, clutching the prized pillow we'd been fighting over earlier. "_ZIM's _pillow!" I said, giving it a possessive squeeze. I couldn't help but wonder what foolish thing the Dib might propose to do that he assumed was better than any one of my own brilliant (but often sabotaged) plans! That stinky--

_BRRRRRRING!_

A sudden, intrusive sound jostled me from my amazing ponderings. Peering over from behind the sofa, I raised my victory-pillow in defense… It was only the phone. Who could this be? Oh, I had a horribly sneaking, crawling suspicion who it was, but you never know! It could be my Tallest, calling to let me know they're on their way here for a surprise visit! Yup. Surprise visit. Sandwiches, space-sodas (far superior to regular sodas), all that. My Tallest and me, we do that aaall the time. Yup... Though it wouldn't be a surprise if they called to let me know about it, heh, and I know my Tallest better than to un-surprise a surprise visit! So I could probably expect them any day, because it's a surprise, so they're not calling to tell me.

Yep.

Where was I?

_BRRRRRRING!_

Oh yeah. That horribly sneaking, crawling suspicion. Dib-stink. Sure enough...

"You have reached the home of the perfectly normal human worm-baby, Zim! Please leave a message after the - GIR! Put that weasel down! I said DOWN, Gir! NO, NOT ON THE ELECTROMAGNETIC POPCORN SHOOTER OF DOOM!"_ Popopopopop-BOOM_! "Whehehehe!" "MY BEAUTIFUL WEASELS!" _beeep_."

The wretched meat child chuckled. "Hehe, stupid weasel... popcorn shooter? Oh, hey, Zim!" I wondered if at this point I should pick up the receiver or continue pretending I wasn't home. Maybe this whole thing had been a gigantic, quivering mistake. After all, the mighty Zim needed no allies, especially not the stinking worm-baby!

"Listen, I'm bringing over the Voot I got from Tak," he continued, obviously aware that I was listening. "I've got an idea and we're going to need all the 'flying saucers' we can get. Open your roof hatch and give me some room to land. I'll be there in 5 minutes!"

Dial tone. "The nerve of that monkey! Thinking he can command Zim! Talking to the answering machine as though he _knew _I was sitting next to it just _waiting _for him to call!" I fumed.

"...Which I _wasn't_, of course! My presence near the telephonic unit had been _purely coincidental_!" I shouted, trying to convince… myself? "Argh! Horrible stinky human! With his huge head of largeness and... and _stink_! Ooh, how I lo-- loathe him! Yes, LOATHE! I SAID _LOATHE_!"

I paused in my rantings when I noticed I was standing in the attic already. "Eh? When did I get here?"

"BACON ship is approaching," said the house computer. "Will crash into the base in 10 SIZZLING seconds. Open hatch? NOW ON SALE FOR AN AMAZINGLY PORKY PRICE OF $9.95 IN CANADIAN BACON CENTS."

"Hmm... as satisfying as it would be to watch the filthy suffer, I'd rather my base remain standing afterwards. EXTEND THE NET!"

The roof split and slid away as a giant fishing net shot into the air. I heard a distant scream was rapidly gaining volume along with the sound of Voot thrusters at full throttle.

"...aaaaaa**aaaaaaAAAAAAAHHHH** - Oof!"

Success! But although the Voot had been caught, it continued to try to speed forward, struggling against the net like a puny little zorshnep caught in a mighty goopmonker's web! HAHA!

Pressing a button, I sent a shock wave through the net to the Voot, short-circuiting its system and effectively shutting it down. The smoking heap was lowered and a pitiful looking Dib-monster fell out of it. He pushed himself up on his hands and gave me a withering look. "Why did you DO that? I was inside the ship you know! You electrocuted me too!"

"You are welcome for saving your miserable life, hyooman!" I snapped. So _ungrateful_, these creatures! "So what is this GRAND plan you have that you needed to bring the Voot to my base in the first place? Needed it so badly when you couldn't even FLY it properly?"

To my surprise, the Dib ignored the insult and made a show of dusting himself off, and pushing his glasses up his nose.

"Well," he began, "I decided to stick with my original plan." He grinned as he said it. "I'm going to expose you."

"I KNEW IT!!" I screamed, jabbing him with an accusatory finger. "This was all a trick! Ooo, you rotten, stinking, filthy, smelly - "

"You didn't let me finish," he interrupted. "My plan is - "

"To backstab me and put me in a little specimen tray in one of your planet's primitive labs! Never! NEVER! Zim is - "

"Stop it!" Dib gripped my shoulders desperately. "I'm NOT going to betray you. Just listen - "

"Let go of Zim! I refuse to hear any more filthy lies from your mouth of evil! COMPUTER! Seize the Dib and - "

"GIR!" Dib hollered over my shoulder. "Your master is being stupid and needs a hug!"

Panicked, I spun on my heels and raised my arms protectively, "NO, GIR, DON'T!"

But there was no Gir. The Dib had tricked me again. That _filth_!

Before I could turn around to confront him, he'd captured both my arms and trapped them behind my back. I opened my mouth to protest when I felt a familiar sensation on my head. Smooth touches that tickled my antennae and sent small shivers down to my squeedlyspooch...

"I noticed before that this seems to have a calming effect on you." Dib whispered, "I'm sorry I have to manipulate you like this, but I'll stop when you're ready to listen to me, okay?"

I didn't know what to say to that. On the one claw, I wasn't sure I wanted him to stop. This new and wonderful sensation felt good and it delighted my brain in waves of delighty pleasantness. At the same time it frightened me a little. Frightened me that the human could have this kind of power over an Irken Elite such as myself. I didn't like not being in control. I jerked my fluttering eyelids open and tore myself away to glare at him.

"I'm fine!" I said, my antennae twitching nervously. "Keep your filthy appendages to yourself, human!"

The Dib stepped back, his hands up in mock surrender.

"Okay, sorry." He brought them down and across his chest. "As I was saying, showing the world your true self might actually help you conquer the planet. Here's how..."

He motioned toward his still smoking Voot, "You and I are going to use your advanced Irken technology to fly these babies to a couple of key global locations: Washington D.C., London, Vatican City, Rome, Paris, and Berlin to name a few. Each time we'll raze a few buildings, create a little havoc, flying around so fast people won't know if there are only two or _two hundred _UFO's attacking! We'll then make a short broadcast overriding TV airways to show your alien face addressing the people of Earth and foretelling their doom. We can then retreat, sit back and let the media blow it out of proportion. Instant worldwide recognition and panic! The perfect set-up for an invasion."

The Dib-monster grinned widely at me. "Neat, huh?"

"Hmm..." I tapped my claw against my chin and acted like I wasn't convinced. Though it pained my spooch to admit it, the Dib was actually quite brilliant. For a _human _anyway... but I'd never tell him that. I wonder why _I_ never thought of this before…?

"Yes, well...that's too easy... which makes it perfect!" I proclaimed, pumping my fist in the air. "Zim likes to be challenged and thus I could have taken over this pitiful scuzzball planet long ago if that's all I wanted to do. But there would be no challenge in that, and so that's why I hadn't done so already. Yes. THAT'S EXACTLY WHY. But now I've grown bored with this game and there is no reason to delay the inevitable any longer! Come, Dib-thing! Let us rain some doom upon this doomed world of yours!"

I began marching to my own Voot when the Dib stepped out in front of me, blocking my way. "HEY!" I tried to side-step him, but he moved to prevent my progress again. "What are you doing?!"

Dib nodded his head towards his own ship, "In case you hadn't noticed, there's a problem. My Voot isn't in any condition to take me anywhere. In fact, on the way over here I was having some difficulty steering." Hehe... indeed. Zim had noticed. "Power struggle with the computer's personality... see, I wanted to drive but it wouldn't let me, saying that it wanted to drive, so I pressed this purple button that had squiggly lines on it and this other red one that had a sort of triangle with a swirl that made it shoot backwards, so then I pulled this lever that was up in the corner of the panel and that's when it-"

As the Dib continued to go into tedious detail about his pitiful attempts at driving an Irken Voot Cruiser, I entertained myself following his erratically descriptive hand gestures. Lookit them go! I watched his fingers clench and unclench on an invisible handle, a fist slammed into a palm and then fell away in a swirly spiral, followed by a scooping action and gurggly sound effects.

After about 3 minutes of this his hand suddenly got too close to my face, his upright palm waving side to side.

"Hey!" he said, lowering his hand and bringing me out of my trance. "Earth to Spaceboy!"

Ah! I'd been caught. Only one thing to do now. Laugh and bluff my way out of it. And laugh I did!

"AHAHAHA! Yes, yes, that was a very amusing story, Dib-human! Woo, yeah... that funny part about the... funny thing... you said. Yeah, that was really something!"

The Dib narrowed his gaze, pushed his slipping glasses back onto his face nub and sighed. "You weren't listening to a single thing I said, were you?"

He called my bluff. Time for Plan B. Act indignant and attack him verbally.

"WHAT? You DARE accuse ZIM of not listening!? You smelly Dirt-Eating Moon Monkey! A smeet could program a sandwich to do more than you!" It was true - I had done so in my own smeethood. I decided it was probably best not to mention how said sandwich ended up toppling the political careers of several important Irkens. To this day, I blame the inadequacy of the mustard I was given to work with.

"Hey, shut up!" Dib balled his meaty hands into fists. "That was my first time interacting with an alien ship, okay? I think I did pretty decent, considering. And it still helped me stop your evil plans at the end, didn't it?"

"It also tried to _destroy _you!" I added, pleased with myself and my little victory. I changed course and marched towards Dib's Voot. "But fear not! ZIM, in his AMAZING generosity, will fix the worm-baby's ship for him!"

As I neared it, the voot suddenly came to life! It shot out a robotic arm, sending me flying against the opposite wall. It hurt. Why does everything want to hurt Zim?

"It's Zim!" the ship cried, standing on the tips of its claw-arms and waving its cables frantically. "I thought it was suspicious when you said we were visiting a 'friends' house, human-me! You don't have any friends! We're in enemy territory! Quick, before he gets up we can still-"

"HEY!" I pointed at the Voot from my position on the floor. "That's YOUR voice, Dib-monster! I thought the ship deleted your personality when it discovered how _pathetic _you were?"

"No, it didn't," Dib replied tersely. "And I'm NOT pathetic! Just tragically misunderstood... Anyway, back then when the ship was having the flashback of my life, it was taking so long and I couldn't take the smell of the sewage dump anymore so I forced my way in and took over the controls. Much the same thing happened then that happened earlier, except no safety net or electrocution and a little more property damage."

He turned towards the Dib-Ship. "Listen, Ship, I told you Zim was our 'friend' now, remember? So I didn't lie. Not technically."

"But he's an _alien_!" the Ship insisted. "And evil!"

"Right-right," Dib dismissed the argument with a wave of his hand. "But we've worked together in the past, remember? Sometimes we need Zim to work towards a mutual goal. Like now. So it's okay, see?"

The Dib-Ship scratched its dome cover roof. "I dunno... what if it's a trick? What if he's hiding something up his sleeve or has a trick in his belt or a laser-shooting weasel in his boxers?"

Dib agitatedly ran his fingers through his hair, muttering, "I can't believe I'm negotiating with a computer! This is ridicu-"

"HEY!" I put my hands on my hips in a very _un_tricky-hidy-laser-shooting-weasly way. "The fleshy Dib monster came to ME for help, not the other way around! You should be grateful I allowed you in my base at all! But if it makes your processors feel better, Zim gives you his promise that my Irken self is not hiding any - erm..." A huge bulge had suddenly materialized on my chest! It was wiggling and squiggling like a baby Slor Beast right before - "ARGH! WHAT THE - AAAARRRGGHH!"

IT RIPPED OUT OF MY CHEST! IT WAS HORRIBLE! IT WAS -

"HIIIIII!" said the wide-eyed metal head that sprang out from my shirt collar.

Eh, false alarm.

"GIR!" I said. "You are not a baby Slor Beast! What are you doing in there? Get out!"

"Aww..."

My SIR unit dropped to the floor with an audible clank, bounced once and landed near the Dib-voot. He smiled and gave it a nauseatingly cheerful wave. "Hi, Ship!"

"SEE!?" the ship pointed at him.

Gir leaped up and latched himself onto its windshield. "Big Head Ship," he said. "Wanna make biscuits with me?"

"My head's not big!" the ship cried.

The Dib sighed and went over to pry Gir off. Or at least make an honest attempt. My little robot slave had pulled a mixing bowl out of somewhere and began to dance as he stirred. He soon managed to cover both himself and the ship with sticky biscuit batter, giggling and leaving a trail of runny tracks as he went. The ship squawked in fear and did a little dance of its own, jumping from claw-arm to claw-arm as it waves its cables about its exterior to swat the Sir Unit off. But Gir was having too much fun. He grabbed hold of the myriad wires coming after him, swinging from them like those horrible Earth monkeys he loves imitating so much.

"Gir, come-on!" the human Dib pleaded. "Get down from there and stop making a mess! Please?"

Amazingly, Gir _did _stop. The Dib-ship had tangled itself into knots and fallen on its side, so there was nothing for him to swing from anymore. He smiled eerily at the boy and his cerulean eyes flashed excitedly. "Only if you dance with meee!"

"Huh?" the Dib seemed taken aback. "Right now?"

"Yeeeeeeeess," Gir replied, his optics going red as he stood stock still and continued to stare at the human. His bowl was turned over on his metallic head and the batter was trickling slowly down over his frame. Spooky.

The worm-baby turned to look pleadingly in my direction, but I just shrugged. He would get no help from Zim! That'll teach that insolent ship to attack me! Then again, maybe if the Dib-beast went on his knees and begged...

But that didn't seem to be his plan. He fished around his pockets until he seemed to have caught hold of something.

"Well, you see Gir, I kinda have a bad hip," he began. "So I'm not much for dancing right now, BUT I do have something you might be interested in... I keep it with me at all times for situations like this... my _secret weapon_!"

My antennae perked up with intrigue the Dib-monkey's words. A secret weapon? What could it be? My scanners hadn't detected any weapons on him when he'd shown up at my door this morning... did he get it when he returned to his pathetic human dwelling? But he says he always has it with him, meaning he should have had it on his person back then too. Could it be? Could the human have actually created a weapon so marvelous, so ingenious it could fool my house computer? Impossible! It had to be a trick! But what was it? What was it?!

The worm-baby pulled out his hand with infuriating slowness and held up something trapped in his fist. Both Gir and I learned forward, trying to get a better look at this _thing_.

The Dib noticed the rapt attention and smiled broadly, obviously confident that his plan would work. Whatever it was. Finally, he opened his fist to reveal his _secret weapon!_

A muffin.

A stinky, half-eaten, lint-covered, moldy Earth pastry. It was falling apart, leaving a trial of crumbs on his coat and the formerly immaculate floor of my lab. Oh, how stupid that dirt-child had to be. A puny little muffin? That was no _secret weapon_! Granted, it made for an excellent projectile during Skool feeding times, but was that was hardly awe-inspiring. I'd seen more terrifying soup goop ooze out of other dirt-children's bowls and apply for citizenship.

Despite this, the robot's eyes were glued to it, a little drool escaping the side of his mouth.

"Cupcake?" Gir asked softly.

"Yep!" the human said. "Just for you! I'll let you have it if you-"

"CUPCAAAAAAKE!"

The little Sir pounced, chomping down on the disgusting Earth treat eagerly, nearly taking the Dib's hand with it. He then started to dig in the worm-baby's pockets, in his hair, his shoes, all the while calling "Cupcake? Cupcake?! CUPCAKE?!"

"AHHH!" Dib cried as Gir tackled his legs and dragged to higher ground, turning him upside-down and shaking him violently.

"Zi-Zi-Zim, He-He-Help me!"

Before I could decide whether I should continue to enjoy the show or actually assist, the boy was shaken out of his pants. Literally. He landed head-fist on the floor below, crying out in pain and surprise.

Gir held the human garment up and inspected it, sniffed it, came to the sad conclusion that there were no more disgusting delicacies to be found but decided to stuff it in his mouth anyway.

The Dib picked himself up, trying to cover his bottom half with his trench-coat as best he could, but too late. I had managed to catch a glimpse of his black and green alien-head boxers. I snickered. Loudly.

Dib only spared a quick glare in my direction before focusing back on Gir. "Gimme back my pants!"

Gir giggled, coughed, giggled louder, coughed again and finally hacked up a big black ball of biscuit batter-drenched cloth that might have once been the worm-baby's pants.

The Dib took a step back and grimaced. "Eww, gross!"

"Made in Chewy!" Gir beamed.

He curled himself into a ball and rolled down the Dib-ship's dome, ricocheting off the walls and knocking over various sensitive pieces of equipment before eventually rolling out of the room to cause damage to other parts of the base.

The human watched him go then returned his attention to the pile of ruined garments at his feet. He kicked them aside angrily then began buttoning up his coat.

"Zim was not aware your clothing had buttons, Dib-stink," I commented as I approached him.

The worm-baby grunted in reply not bothering to face me until he'd fastened the last one.

"Are you upset, pig-smelly? Everything's fine now, isn't it?"

"No thanks to you!" he chided, turning his back and heading towards his ship. "At least help me untangle it! The sooner we get him airborne again the sooner we can start the scouting mission."

"Eh?" I asked as I followed him. "What's this about a 'scouting mission,' Dib-thing? You did not speak of such a thing to Zim!"

"I thought it was obvious," he said, arriving at the ship first and using his hands to wipe of the bigger clumps of batter. "We can't just go in there guns blazing. A little research is in order. For instance, do you even _know _where Vatican City is?"

"Eh... of course I do!" _No, I didn't_. "I know exactly where it is!"_ I didn't have a clue_. "But, uh... I suppose it wouldn't hurt to go and take a look at it anyway. You know, make sure it's still there and, uh... hasn't been burned down by some _other _aliens!" Dib rolled his amber eyes.

I chuckled evilly and tapped my claws together, also very evilly. Because I am evil! "YES! My plans for world conquest are almost complete!"

"OUR plans, Zim!" said the pale-fleshy Dib. "And it's mostly mine at this point anywa-"

"SILENCE! I AM A GENIUS!"

"PORK PIES!" the computer chimed in amiably. I'm sure it was a "PORK PIES" of agreement.

-----------

Aaaaaand, that's all folks. Inspiration and motivation to continue this story died the day my beta quit on me. Hope you've enjoyed yourself thus far! Terribly sorry for the inconvenience ;-;


	7. Chapter 7

I felt great. Despite a few minor setbacks, I felt better than I could ever remember feeling, really. I FINALLY had a solution that would solve every problem I've ever had and pave the way for all my dreams to come true. To fit the mood, I spent the next day at school strutting around and waving at all my future slaves, a smile never leaving my face. It was all so incredibly ironic that I almost burst out laughing a couple of times. Was this how Zim felt when he arrived on Earth? Confident in the future and proud to be himself. I had a sudden urge to pose dramatically and shout, "I AM DIB!" at the top of my lungs! Hehe...

"Dib-beast!"

Speak of the devil...

Zim was at my locker when he called to me, a curious little box in hand.

I approached him, and the smile for him was the biggest of all. He cocked an eye at me, but didn't smile back. He waved me over urgently until I was in earshot and whispered, "You haven't told any of your pitiful hyooman friends about our top secret plans to DESTROY them, have you?" his eyes darted back and forth amongst the other students, as if they were actually listening or paying attention. "This is VERY important, and Zim doesn't need any big-headed pig smelly minions foiling my plans!"

I didn't bother correcting Zim about me having no friends or being his PARTNER and not a minion... instead I leaned in towards where I estimated his antennae to be and whispered back, "Not yet," and before he could react...

"HEY, EVERYBODY" I suddenly shouted, addressing everyone in the hallway in a grand sweeping gesture. "ZIM IS PLANNING ANOTHER ALIEN INVASION! YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME OR YOU'LL ALL BE DOOOOOMED!"

Zim's eyes were the size of frisbees as he frantically scanned the faces of all the classmates staring at us, then he suddenly grabbed my shirt collar and yanked me forward, "TRAITOR! Zim KNEW he should never have trusted you!"

I winked at him and finished my silent countdown, "4...3...2..1"

"Weirdos."

"Freaks!"

"There they go again, talking crazy..."

"Hahahaha!"

"Ms. Bitters, can we use a crazy card again?"

"Two, please?!"

The demonic woman towered in a nearby doorway. "You know we already used up the monthly allowance on Keef. We have to wait for next month, so wallow in your DOOM until then."

"Awwwww."

Zim blinked in confusion as the halted human traffic resumed its flow around us, loosening his hold on my collar. I took the opportunity to shake myself free, and retrieve my books from my locker. "See? I've spent YEARS trying to warn people about you and your kind, and they've spent years ignoring me or trying to put me in the Crazy House for Boys. Why would they suddenly believe me now? Come on, Space Boy, relax. I'm not going to betray you."

Zim looked at me as if 'I' were the alien. More irony. I bit my bottom lip but couldn't help the corners of my mouth from jerking upwards. He stared at me a little longer, then suddenly remembered the box in his hand. He shoved it into my chest, and I almost dropped my books.

Zim's face turned a slightly darker shade of green and he averted his eyes, "Yes, well... I was just testing you! You passed! Be honored and accept this from Zim!"

I gave the box a quick look over to check for breathing holes. Nope. Putting it up to my ear, I heard no ticking. "What is it?"

"A gift," Zim said, still not looking at me. "Don't lose it or I'll liquefy your organs!" With that, he stomped off towards our class, leaving me alone with the box and my curiosity.

* * *

For the rest of the morning it was hard to concentrate on anything. I was itching to open the box immediately, but despite our new arrangement, I still didn't completely trust Zim. I was distracted throughout the entirety of every class, and had the teachers all yell at me several times for not paying attention to their niggling lessons. I didn't bother greeting anyone when I got home. I headed straight for dad's lab and to the hazardous material center by the pellet dispenser. Yes, we have a pellet installed down there and no, it's not for dad's test subjects. They're for him. They contain every single vitamin and mineral, carefully measured out for his daily intake. He doesn't eat much else besides that and Super Toast. More efficient, he says thought they taste horrible. I know because I tried one once, out of curiosity. Imagine little balls of dung made by a bunny that lives on dog food and moldy lettuce. These things taste worse...

Anyway, dropping the box into the deposit hole, I went behind the glass and slipped my hands into the built in chemical gloves, ready to get to work.

The gloves were big and bulky, made to fit my dad's hands of course, but the box was a simple construct, and all I had to do was remove the top. What I found inside was not at all what I expected, though thinking back on it now, I'm not sure what I had been expecting, if anything.

There was a golden pin inside. It was an inverted triangle with a circle in the center, which I immediately recognized it as the symbol of the irken military.

I ran a few tests on it, but there were no mini-hidden cameras, microphones, traces of poison, infectious diseases, or hallucinogens. It was safe to handle without bio-hazard equipment.

I took the box and pin back out and carried them with me up to my room where I flopped back on the pillows and pondered the significance of the gift. Did this mean I was now officially part of the irken army? Doubtful. Pretty sure you have to at least be IRKEN to qualify. Was this a tag that would alert other irkens that I was friendly to their cause and not to kill me on sight? Whatever it is, Zim made it clear that it was something important and I shouldn't lose it.

As sleep gradually started shutting down my thoughts, my last one was wondering what gift I should give in return...


	8. Chapter 8

Dib's Log

"This is NTSB reporter Joan Sobe reporting!" said the TV anchorwoman. "This just in, an entire block of Poop Bucks Coffee franchises in France were burned to the ground by ALIEN INVADERS who broadcast the condemnation of Brussels sprouts and warned of the return of their raptor overlord.

A similar attack took down the Binnenschifffahrts museum in the Ruhr region of Germany, including the nearby hotels and nightclubs. Here the martians demanded that all convicted pastry chefs be delivered to the Republic of Zimbabwe and have their pistons examined.

Here we see a hamster-powered oxcart in Costa Rica going BOOM into a rain-swollen river! This is unrelated to the recent terrorist attacks, but those hamsters were sooo cute! *sobs*!"

I turned away from the TV and slowly face-palmed, "I knew we shouldn't have trusted that online translation generator..."

Zim was too angry watching the chaos on the video feeds to care about my mood. "WHO!? Who _dares _to steal Zim's genius plan!? WE destroyed all those places first! Grr, when I find out who these impostors are I"ll-"

"They're talking about US, Zim." I lifted my head to the screen again. "This isn't live coverage. They're playing a pre-recorded broadcast."

"Ah... Hahahaha! Zim knew that! Bwahahah! Run, pitiful hyooooomans, run! But no matter how fast you run, you cannot escape Zim's mighty PILLOW BLASTER!"

The TV ran the footage of the irken version of a T-Shirt cannon assaulting shoppers at a bazaar in Persia. I still couldn't believe Zim had actually gone through with it. I had only been kidding when I'd suggested using sofa pillows for humanity's doom... but that was Zim for you.

I ran a hand through my hair and sighed, "Well, at least we completed the mission objective. Now we're on for phase two."

The image of a metropolitan shuttle exploding in rural Andra Pradesh after being hit by a barrage of Jute Trims was replaced by a familiar face. "We'll now hear commentary from the world's most brilliant living scientist!" the anchorwoman dried her eyes and composed herself. "Professor Membrane!"

Cheers and applause from an enthusiastic audience filled the room where Zim and I were watching. Dad put his hands up for silence and laughed appreciatively, "HO-HO! Fear not, citizens! These aren't ALIENS we're dealing with. Obviously they're New Age fanatics in Toast-Powered Flying Cars(c) with green-painted faces! They were most likely STOLEN from one of my assembly lines in China, as they haven't been released for commercial use yet! They're scheduled to launch into the mainstream by this time next year, once the air-traffic light posts have been erected! Remember, 'A Toast-Powered Flying Car(c) is a relaxing experience!'"

"Flying CARS?!" Zim raged, "TOAST-powered!? The NERVE of that human, comparing SUPERIOR Irken vootcruisers to PATHETIC worm-baby vehicles!"

I rolled my eyes. Typical of dad to use even a serious situation like this to promote himself and his inventions...

"To combat this evil, I have asked the world's leaders to ground all flights for a week-long inspection and maintenance session," Dad continued. "During this time, any air crafts detected in this no-fly zone will be shot down by my globally automated anti-terrorist missile defense system! HAHA! Let's see those miscreants fly _then_!"

More cheers and applause as Dad turned to wave at his fans before returning his attention to the cameras, ready to spew forth more self-serving drivel.

"DAD! WAIT!"

All heads on the screen turned to face the newcomer. Tada! Here I came to save the day! And what grand entrance I made, I must say. I had purposely a worn a set of tattered clothes and smeared dirt that I had prepared for the occasion.

Zim's antennae twitched in annoyance. "I know I said this before, but you look like an idiot, Dib-worm. Who would listen to a filthy dirt-child like that?"

I knew Zim was just engaging in our usual banter, but... I felt my heart squeeze a little. It's true that nobody ever listens to me, much less my arrogant father. Even though I planned to take full advantage of my dysfunctional family's dynamics, that didn't mean I was happy about it.

My hand reached up and slid underneath my trench coat, fingering the golden irken symbol pinned inside. _It doesn't matter_, I told myself, thinking of this important present I'd been given. _I'm not alone anymore._

I caught Zim staring at me. He had a curious expression on his face. I wonder what expression was on mine just then? His cheeks darkened slightly, and he turned away from me. "Eh... but... even at your level of idiocy you are above the rest of your species! Otherwise you would never have been worthy to be the partner of ZIM!"

I blinked in surprise. Was he... trying to comfort me?

The idea was so bizarre, I couldn't help laughing out loud. Zim spun around, his antennae quivering in irritation. "What's so funny!? Silence! Zim commands you!"

He looked so much like an angry cat with his fur ruffled that it only made me laugh harder.

"Hey! HEY! Did you not hear?! ZIM SAID TO STOP LAUGHING!" he stomped his booted feet in the beginning of a tantrum, "OBEY ME, STINK BEAST!"

I managed to get control of myself gradually, wiping tears from my eyes, my sides hurting with suppressed laughter. "Hah... heheh... I'm sorry."

I was overcome by an urge to hug him at that moment. That's strange... I can't remember ever wanting to hug anyone, or even _being_ hugged, for that matter... except maybe by GIR. There's something about that hyperactive robot... But instead I just smiled, "Thank you, Zim."

"Eh?" he released his tense features. "For what?"

I brought a finger to my lips and nodded my head at the TV, indicating we should finish the rest of the announcement.

The me on the screen arrived breathlessly, holding a handful of documents in one hand. "Dad! They're here! The aliens! I told you they were real! I know how to stop them!"

"Ah... haha," my father faced the audience, "My poor insane son! I apologize, everyone! He has episodes like this every now and then, but I assure you he's completely harmless!"

"DAD! I know where the aliens live!" I extended the documents to my father and continued to approach him, "Their secret base, I sneaked in and risked my life for this, you know? Here, this is some of the data I've collected that-"

"There's no need to worry, Son!" my father interrupted, even though he faced the audience as he said it. "Everything's under control! Whether they're really aliens or not, and of course the very idea is _absurd_, your GENIUS father has a fool proof plan!" He grabbed my shoulders and turned me around, escorting me off site.

"DAD!" I said loud enough so that everyone could still hear me. "Open your eyes! They're here, and they're right in front of you... LISTEN TO ME!"

I spun out of his grasp and faced him, the documents in my hand crumpled as my fists clenched in anger. "This isn't a joke! This is serious! Dad, let me help you! This data-"

Dad's normally jovial face turned dark. He stood up to his full, towering height. I was so used to dealing with him on the floaty screen that I'd forgotten. I felt like a wimpy little kid again.

"You're correct, son," father replied in a low whisper. "This ISN'T a joke... and I am also serious when I tell you that if you don't stop this nonsense right now, I'm sending you home in a crazy bucket. Is that what you want?"

I was suddenly aware of just how quiet the scene was. The reporter, the audience, even the birds in the trees were afraid to break the ominous silence. I swallowed thickly, gritting my teeth and lowering my gaze to show my submission. I shook my head, "...No, sir."

I heard him sigh heavily, and ventured to peek up at his face. It had softened somewhat, and he reached forward to lay his hand on my head. "What am I going to do with you, son? I thought you'd outgrow this silly obsession by now... you're a smart kid, so why..."

He shook his head and ruffled my hair, a bit more forcefully than was necessary, I might add. "Nevermind. Go home, son. I don't care about your hobbies as long as they don't interfere with my work, understand? Promise me you won't embarrass me like that again?"

I nodded, stuffing the fist-full of now crumpled sheets into my trench coat pocket, "I promise."

"Good!" he said, suddenly all smiles again. He turned back to the cameras. "Everything's fine! My son just needed to take his medication, but he's fine now!"

I slipped away unnoticed amongst the renewed applause and cheers, grinning wickedly that my plan had worked out so smoothly.


	9. Chapter 9

"Waiting is _boring_. Zim hates waiting! How much longer must Zim wait?"

I was sitting upside down in my voot cruiser, waiting for 'the signal'. The Dib was at his home. He said he would sneak into his father's lab and disarm the globey matrix terror... missile thingy. Then he would give me the 'signal' and I was free to spread DOOM to my squeedly spooch's content. "It's been HOURS! I can't believe a simple hacking job would take so long! Even in smeethood, Zim was able to disarm at least 10 beamwhippers, 5 heatdirks, and 7 cyclochucks in less time that it takes this human to take down a filthy firewall!"

"It's actually only been 30 minutes, Zim," said Dib-voot's voice on the intercom. "What _**I**_ can't believe that human-me is actually doing this! What is wrong with him? No matter how bad things get, I always just reminded myself that I was doing this for humanity! I could get up in the morning because I knew I was making the world a better place! Something must've happened to human-me... something bad."

I rolled my eyes and kicked my feet in annoyance. "The worm-baby's finally realized how pathetic humanity is and how utterly AMAZING Zim would be as their unquestioned ruler. It's one of the few smart things he's done recently. You should hurry up and realize it too, Dib-ship."

The ship was also waiting. He was stationed somewhere in China, at the factory where the horrid toast-cars were being built! And as much as I wanted to be the one destroying them, I wanted to be the center of attention more! I was perched atop a building near the plaza filled with people, where the Dib-father was going to activate his soon-to-be useless defense system! Hundreds of witnesses and tee vee cameras were focused on center stage, where I would soon be!

"I know me better than anyone!" Dib-ship insisted. "The real me wouldn't act like this. I should be **stopping** you, not _helping_ you!"

I stopped kicking. The trigger claw of my left hand wandered near the button to my voot's upgraded missile-guided pillow launcher. Even at such distances, my accuracy was flawless. I let my voice take on a menacing tone, "... then why don't you?"

The ship was quiet a moment, though I could hear the soft hum of it's gears and wires running self-diagnostics in the background. "I can't..." he said finally.

My hand fell back to its lazy position next to my head. The Dib-ship had been cooperative up until the point where we decided to initiate an invasion of the Dib-human's planet. At that point, it started ranting about conspiracies and tried to escape. After having Gir subdue it again, the fleshy wanted to talk to the ship 'in private'. I had protested, loudly of course, but the cursed worm-baby had used his... persuasiveness against me. My antennae shivered at the memory. I'd forgotten about that incident until now.

"... What did the Dib say to you?" I asked, staring up at my voot's ceiling.

"He blackmailed me!" the ship replied incredulously. I could hear the gears grind a bit as he said it.

I swung my legs to the side and righted myself, leaning forward, intrigued. "How?"

"Mei banfa! Mei banfa, wo rang zhe zhong shiqing fasheng! Jishi zuowei yige xiaohua, wo ningyuan qu si! Wo shi juedui bu hui rang ta chengren ta dui ni de ai!"

I stared hard at the speakers. "... eh?"

"Sorry," the ship said in English. "I think I picked up a Chinese radio station frequency and it changed my language settings... anyway, what I said was-"

"It's time!"

The human Dib's massive head suddenly covered my entire screen. His hair was charred and I could still see tiny veins of electricity flickering, but he was smiling triumphantly. "It's time, Zim! Ship-me! Dad's broadcast is going live in 5 minutes. I hope you're ready."

I smiled back, anxiously gripping my steering handles with thumbs ready on the triggers. "It's about time, hyooman! Zim was starting to worry about you!"

The human cocked an eyebrow and his smile tilted, "Aweh, you were worried about me, Zimmy? That's sweet."

"WHAT!? NO!" I was annoyed he could still bother me so much after we were no longer enemies. "I was... Zim was! Worried... that... you were going to change your mind and betray him! YES! So... so you're not, right?"

Dib chuckled, "You still don't trust me? Then what did you give me this for?" He pulled the lapel of his trench coat inside-out to reveal the irken symbol pin I'd given him earlier. He was getting better at seeing through my lies. When I had nothing to say, he smugly tucked it back away. "Oh, and I have something for you too, when you get back. So try not to mess this up... oh, and Ship-me?"

There was a pause, then I heard the ship respond, "...yes?"

"Don't worry about what we talked about. I'm not going to do _that, _so make sure you do your part too."

I was just about to ask what they were talking about when the sound of a microphone audio test alerted me that it was show time. I shut down the screen, fired up my engines and put on my best smile for the cameras.

(End Chapter 9)

A/N: Thanks to 'a fanfictioner' for reviewing chapter 8 and letting me know someone still cared about this fic ^w^ The first 3 signed reviewers can ask what the Dib-ship was blackmailed with ;p The rest of you will have to wait until future chapters to find out.


	10. Chapter 10

Zim's smiling face was the last thing I saw before he shut down communications. I'd watch the replay of events on the news later. For now, I had to clean myself up and remove any evidence of tampering. Or at least any evidence that would point to ME being the one doing the tampering. As I began sweeping up broken glass and bits of wire, I thought back to Ship-me's response. Haha... he sure sounded rattled. After Zim had left us alone to talk before, I had tried to appeal to our familiarity. That hadn't gone so well.

"Listen, Ship-me. I know the old Dib would never go against humanity. And since all your memories are from old me, I can understand your reluctance to do what I'm asking now. But I'm still me, aren't I? And you're me, so trust me when I say that humanity isn't worth saving."

Ship-me shifted restlessly, obviously unconvinced. "I STILL say you could be some evil clone Zim made to try to trick me into helping him! If you're really me then... then tell me something that only I know about! Something Zim couldn't have programmed you to know!"

"Okay, that's a reasonable request..." I tried to think far back enough that it would be a memory from before Zim and I met. "Hmm... oh, how about this one? Remember when me and Gaz were still in kindergarten? Gaz was so small back then. I felt protective of her. '_You're a big brother now_,' Dad had said. '_You have to watch out for her_.'

Dib-ship obviously remembered, because he offered no further protests. I kept going.

"One day we were walking to school, and a raindrop landed on my cheek. It was one of those late spring storms that only last a short time, but man, they are real gully washers! Gaz was oblivious, of course, too focused on the pixelated monsters blowing up on her screen. I took her hand and said, "Lets run!"

"As I tugged her behind me, she seemed to suddenly become aware of the surroundings. The cold rain was starting to soak down into the skin underneath her clothes. She didn't like it, and started sniffling like she was going to cry."

Ship-me seemed uncomfortable. This wasn't an easy memory to bear. A lot had changed between Gaz and me since then. She hasn't been my 'cute little sister' for a really long time. I wondered briefly when our relationship stopped being that way. When had we drifted so far apart?

"Remember what I told her?" I continued the story, swallowing the lump in my throat. "I had to yell to be heard over the storm. I said, '_Look up!'_

"Gaz hesitated, but she did it and stated the obvious '_... It's raining.'_

_"'Yeah,' _I said, '_Isn't it great?'_

"Gaz looked puzzled, but she wasn't going to cry anymore. '_Look up!_' I said again. And she looked up.

"The rain was in our faces, running down our backs and plastering our hair to our shoulders. It really was great. Gaz smiled. When we got to the school, we were drenched. Our clothes were clinging to us, almost transparent. Our shoes sloshed with each step. Water was dripping off the ends of our noses and out of our hair. And we were laughing. I held onto her hand. We were clammy and cold... but we were laughing."

The ship and I were quiet for a while. It was a strange feeling... the memory was like a warm cocoon of happiness wrapped around my brain. It was hard to leave that and face the current reality. Ship-me must have been thinking the same thing.

"How..." it began. "With these memories... how can you still say humanity's not worth saving?"

"Things are different now," I replied, sticking my hands in my trench coat pockets. "You grow up and discover that some things you thought were beautiful turn out to be ugly. Truths turn out to be lies... there's no place for us here."

"Then we MAKE a place for us here!" The ship stood up on his claw tips and swung his wires angrily. "Isn't that what we've been trying to do all this time? To discover the truth, to fight evil, and be heroes! Even if you've given up on that..." Ship's monitors darkened a bit as he said that, "... even if you've given up, for whatever reason, that's still doesn't justify what you're doing now. Turning on humanity's not the same as turning your back on it!"

_Sheesh... _I thought. _Old me sure is persistent. Looks like playing nice isn't going to win the day here._

"What happened, human-me?" the ship asked. "Why are you doing this? Something's happened, right? Why don't you tell me? Maybe I could help! Come on, whatever it is, it can't be so bad that this is the only way to handle it!"

_Time for plan B. _I took a hand out of my pocket and ran it over my hair, sighing defeatedly. "You got me, Ship. I guess it really was useless trying to hide anything from myself."

Ship-me bounced excitedly, "Yeah! We're a team! Come on, buddy, spill it! We'll get through this together! Just Dib and Dib! We don't need Zim!"

I gave Ship-me my best woeful look. "That's where you're wrong, Ship... maybe you don't need Zim, but I..."

Ship-me stopped in mid-bounce. If he had a face and a mouth, it would have been gaping. "Wha... what are you saying, human-me? Why would you-"

"This may come as a shock, Ship," I interrupted, beginning to pace a slow circle around it. "It came as a shock to me too, when I first realized it. I tried to deny it, to FIGHT it, but now I can't anymore! In fact, I don't think I even want to..."

"Huh?" Ship said, as he spun in a circle to keep me in sight. "Deny what? Fight what? What are you talking about?"

I took a deep breath. "I... I'm..." I turned to face Ship-me directly, "I'm in love!"

"... WHAT? Really?!" Ship was excited again. "Since when?! With who?! Is she pretty? Do I know her...? It's Gretchen, isn't it? She's lost the braces, gotten a personality, and works out now, right? Oh, or maybe it's that cute blond girl, Rehima? The one that we met that summer when we visited our cousin's house that actually turned out to be a werewolf? She finally forgave you for-"

"NO, Ship!" I stopped him before he could embarrass us. "It's not any of those people. It's not even a girl. In fact, it's-"

"Oh my god!" Ship-me lifted his claw limbs in surprise. "I'm gay?! I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that, but ME?! Me? Seriously...? It's because we drank that Peruvian tap water, isn't it? The mayor tried to warn us, but we-"

"It's _**Zim**_!" I blurted, rather anticlimactically. "I'm in love with _Zim_."

Ship-me stopped in mid-rant. "... you're joking. Please tell me that was a really, really, really, _REALLY _bad joke just now."

"Nope," I said, looking shyly away, wondering if he was really buying it. "It's true. I told you it was hard to believe. But, if you help me out, I promise that I'll leave quietly. We'll start a new life in a new galaxy somewhere, and never have to see or hear from him again."

"I don't believe it!" Ship-me slammed down a claw-limb in protest. "You're making this up! You're just saying stuff you KNOW goes too far just to get me to go along with whatever you say! You know I'd rather die with Earth than be Zim's slave! And you _know _that's what you'd be, a **slave**! Irkens can't love! Have you forgotten how many times he's tried to kill you? How he left you to die in that nightmare world? How he turned you into a 'hideous mooing cyborg boy' when he was swapping out everyone's organs? Come on, human-me, this is too stupid. Tell me what's _really_ going on!"

Damn, Ship-me was sharp. Luckily, I had planned for this. I still had an ace up my sleeve. "Hehe... I see. So you're gonna deny it, too?" I asked, "That you've been spying on us?"

The ship took a step back, surprised. "AH! You saw me?!"

"It's actually harder _not_ to notice you," I grinned cheekily. "So then, you must've seen how Zim and I act towards each other. Pretty friendly, right? And that reaction I get when I pet his antennae..."

The ship began to tremble a little, it's claw limbs making tiny scratch marks where it stood. "No, no, NO! This is insane, human-me! Look, let's talk about this, okay? You... you're probably confused or... or something. It can't be that you... not with _him _of all people! AND HE'S NOT EVEN PEOPLE!"

"So you'll help me?" I asked.

"I'm TRYING!"

"You know what I mean," I said, turning to walk out the door. "If you don't, then I have no choice but to go out there right now where Zim is waiting and confess to him that I-"

"STOP!" Ship-me jump-landed in front of me, blocking my path with it's entire being. "I... I believe you, okay? So just... just stop... for a second. I need time to think. I'll help you, but I won't hurt actual people, and it's just until I figure something else out. Deal?"

He stuck out one of his claw limbs towards me in a handshake gesture. I shook it, "Deal."


	11. Chapter 11

"Welcome back from the commercial break!" said Joan Sobe. "Breaking news! We are about to witness Professor Membrane's solution to the alien menace!"

The image shifted from the anchorwoman to the scene of the plaza, where Membrane stood on a platform in front of a huge red button. Behind the button was a digital map of the world, with dormant lights stationed at major cities. "Citizens of the world! Behold! With the simple push of this button, all this alien nonsense will be dealt with in a lethally scientific manner!"

Motioning to the map in a grand gesture, Membrane continued to explain, "When I push the button, every carefully stationed missile defense system on the map (as indicated by these miniature lights) will light up and be activated. They are programmed to shoot down all unauthorized aircrafts. Once they are taken down, the ships will be recovered, and the occupants interrogated in the most humane prison camp North Korea has to offer!"

Raucous cheers were emitted by the assembly. Roses, panties, small children, and other tokens of affection were thrown onto the stage. Membrane caught one of the kids in mid-flight, kissed it, and set it down in front of the button. The little boy happily whacked it with his sippy cup.

Behind the stage, the center floorboards separated and out of the ground rose an enormous steel turret sporting an even larger rotary canon Gatling gun. It towered high above the streetlights and treetops, looming large and impressive above the crowd.

"The Membrane Gadget 3246A is a rapid-firing weapon that utilizes multiple barrels in a rotating cluster to provide a sustained rate of fire," the Professor explained. "The loading and firing functions are performed simultaneously in different barrels as they rotate, also allowing them to cool. The rotating barrel cluster is powered by the latest in toast-powered motor technology, such as those fitted in my patented Toast-Powered Flying Cars(c)!"

The audience ooo'd and ahh'd appreciatively.

"HEY!" Someone in the crowd shouted. "The lights on the map aren't lighting!"

Every head spun towards the digital display to confirm that, in fact, not a single light was on.

Membrane also turned to inspect it, raising a puzzled but untroubled eyebrow. "Hmm... maybe they forgot to plug it in?"

Nervous murmurs were spreading throughout the crowd. "What's going on?", "Why isn't it working?", "The aliens sabotaged it!", "The kid broke it!", "Who took my popcorn?!"

Just as the Professor was about to send someone to the back to check the connections, Zim's voot cruiser appeared above the tree line, in plain view of the onlookers, shocking all the murmuring into silence. After a moment, the quiet was shattered amidst an outburst of gasping and shouting, fainting and fleeing, gaping and pointing. But Membrane remained unfazed. He smiled and faced the camera, "Behold, world! You're in for a treat! The first terrorist aircraft will be brought down here! Tonight!"

As if on cue, the turret hummed and came to life. It swung rapidly towards the spaceship and took aim, the rumble of the launching mechanism firing up causing nearby shop windows to explode. The alien piloting the aircraft frowned, but made no move to escape. He hovered in place and waited patiently for his demise.

The roar of the launcher was reaching a deafening pitch, but still nothing happened. Membrane turned to see what was delaying his 33rd Nobel Prize Award nomination and was alarmed to see the steel barrels turning red hot... it was going to blow!

He dove for cover just as the explosion shot pieces of overheated metal shards in all directions. Trees were chopped down, frame tents were cut in half, and power lines toppled while vicious exposed wires angrily spat electricity. Small fires were cropping up everywhere, sending up heavy smoke and sending down ashen debris.

"This… this is impossible!" Membrane cried, peering out at the mayhem from his hiding place beneath the stage. "My calculations were perfect! Mistakes like this have never happened to me before! How could this be?!"

The alien projected his laughter clear across the destruction. "Pathetic! Humans are sooo pathetic! You really thought you could stop me with these toys?!"

He maneuvered his ship around to where the Professor crouched, facing the man directly and raising the canons on either side of his vessel. "Think again," he smirked, firing his weapons.

"NOOOOO!" Membrane wailed, bringing up his hands in a futile effort to protect himself.

He was rocketed backwards against the stage's support beams, getting hit with volley after volley of chic, round, taffeta filled cushion pillows. The impact knocked him out cold and the air around him burst with polyester fibers, mixing with the descending ash, and creating an effect like fluffy burning snowflakes. The alien cackled maniacally and turned his ship around, hunting down those too slow or too stupid to have evacuated the area. "AAAH!" "MY TACO!" "EEEK!" "I LEFT MY STOVE ON!" "A;DKJF!"

The television image returned to Joan Sobe, and she hurriedly stashed away her make-up kit that she had been applying. "OH, THE HUMANITY!" she squalled. "Further reports keep coming in of similar disasters across the country! And this just in, the Toast-Powered Flying Car(c) factory in China has also exploded! Witnesses say they saw an alien spacecraft leaving the scene. The Professor's lawyers say he is too unconscious to comment at this time. Instead, we have as our guest tonight, a mister Agent Darkbootie of the Swollen Eyeball Network. He is a professed expert in all things paranormal, including Bigfoot, ghosts, and _aliens!_"

A miniature screen popped up beside Joan, displaying the dark outline of what appeared to be an elderly man in his 60s. "Agent Darkbootie, welcome to the program! Please tell us, what can be done to stop this devastating devastation?!"

The shadowy figure nodded to her briskly, eager for this chance to finally share the fruits of his life's work with the public at large and be taken seriously. "Indeed, things are looking grim," he said. "These public menaces strike from the heavens and rain down fiery death! They infiltrate us secretly, replacing us with doppelgangers! They impregnate our women with creepy telepathic children! They practice terrifying experimentation on their captured human slaves, transplanting human heads onto the bodies of a poor, innocent chihuahuas! Their methods are many... But all is not lost! We can still beat them! We here at the Swollen Eyeball Network have been preparing against a possible alien invasion for a long time! It's surprisingly simple, really..."

Darkbootie brought his face closer to the screen, shielding the side of his mouth with a hand in the universal sign that he was about to whisper a secret. "... we SNEEZE on them!"

After a moment of incredulous silence, Joan coughed awkwardly.

"No, no!" Darkbootie chided. "We SNEEZE, not COUGH! Granted, both are good for emitting germs, but a sneeze has better projectile capacity! As we humans know, nothing is more devastating to a multicellular life form than being exposed to a foreign virus! You'll remember something as simple as a few smallpox-ridden blankets nearly wiped out all the indians in early American history... being foreigners to our planet, aliens would have no natural immunity to human diseases! A single sneeze could spread throughout their evil empire within a year! An antidote would take them at least 8 months to develop! During those 8 months, at least 60 percent of their population would die!"

He grinned and sat back in his chair, tapping his fingers together conspiratorially. "Think about it... if a single sneeze could do all that... how much faster and how much more damage could be done with A HUNDRED SNEEZES! We are now accepting volunteers to come and sneeze into sterilized cups at your local clinic or hospital and have those samples sent to our headquarters. The more variety of contagious diseases we can use against the enemy, the better our chances of survival! I also encourage everyone at this time to get updated on your vaccinations in the highly unlikely event that something goes awry and the samples get into the wrong hands... if you TV viewers have any questions feel free to call our network at: 1-555-555-"

"WAIT!"

Another miniature screen appeared alongside Darkbootie's, completely covering the anchorwoman from view. Dib's uncensored face pleaded desperately at his paranormal compatriot. "You're making a big mistake, Darkbootie! You're assuming these aliens are physiologically similar to humans, but that's false! In fact, they don't even have human organs! They have this thing called a squeedly spooch and -"

"Agent Mothman!" the older gentleman interrupted. "If you are referring to that queer neighbor of yours, I believe your findings were soundly trounced in a certain episode of 'Mysterious Mysteries of Strange Mystery' only a few years ago. Please stop embarrassing the paranormal profession and let legitimate experts handle this."

"I keep telling you, those witness testimonies were faked!" Dib insisted.

"And those times you kept showing me that 'alien' video feed that turned out only to be of your neighbor eating waffles?" Darkbootie countered.

"That was a chronic case of bad timing..." Dib muttered.

"Log off now, Mothman," Darkbootie warned. "Or revoke your membership to our organization. Your insubordination at a time like this will NOT be tolerated."

"... tch," Dib looked away disgustedly. "I'm telling you, you're making a mistake... I'm the only one who knows what we're really up against. But fine, I can tell I'm just wasting my breath here. I'm sick of everyone ignoring me. I'll continue my efforts on my own."

With that, Dib's screen blipped and disappeared, leaving behind a bewildered anchorwoman and irritated secret agent.

"...Well!" said Joan. "That was certainly... _something_, wasn't it? Mr. Darkbootie, that was Professor Membrane's son, wasn't it? You called him Agent Mothman... what relationship does he have with you and your organization?"

"Agent Mothman..." began Darkbootie. "Is a good kid, though a bit misguided and, well, _insane_ at times. We made him an honorary agent as he is one of the largest contributors to our research department. Money well spent, I assure you. And everyone at home can donate to our "Save the World" fundraiser too! Just call the number flashing at the bottom of your screen. Operators are standing by!"


End file.
